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We’re movie fans and we applaud everyone who takes the time and effort to direct or produce a movie. But often there is beauty in applauding a movie, and sometimes we have that same joy in ranting a movie to bits and pieces. Today’s happy rant is for anybody who has seen the horror hit A Quiet Place; the low budget film about a family of four who must navigate their lives in silence because mysterious creatures that hunt by sound threaten their survival.

The film is a smash hit and has already crossed the $100M worldwide revenue line on Box Office Mojo. But the weird thing about this movie is that critics do not seem to care about the gazillion plotholes it has. On the contrary, the critics’ consensus on movie site Rotten Tomatoes, where it got a 95% rating, stated:

“A Quiet Place artfully plays on elemental fears with a ruthlessly intelligent creature feature that’s as original as it is scary — and establishes director John Krasinski as a rising talent.”

Impressive, indeed. Yes, the movie was shot well, Emily Blunt’s acting is amazing and the kids do a good job. In fact, all four actors are strong characters who deal with loss, love and survival, and yes, it even has its share of tense moments.

But because the family was acting so dumb and stupid all the time, they kind of had all the horror and misery coming.

We’re going to spoil this movie to death, so if you haven’t seen it. Stop reading! OK, without any further ado, let’s just see how ruthlessly intelligent this family really is;

  • If you make the slightest sound, the creatures will kill you. Then why the hell bring the kids into the supermarket where anything they move and touch will make a sound?
  • Then, ok you lost a child, but you still have 2 children left. In a world where silence is golden, why the hell are you pregnant again Emily Blunt? Really? Bring another loud-mouthed crying and screaming child into the world of silence?
  • Why o why is nobody wearing a mouthpiece, a cover of some sorts. What? Nobody ever coughs in this world?
  • The stairs have marks on them. They show where to step so the wood doesn’t make a cracking sound. One of those steps has a rusty nail exactly on one of those spots. Really? 400 days living in a house and John Krasinski doesn’t think to make it injury safe, because stepping in a nail will lead to screaming which will lead to instant death. And what do you think will happen? Yep, Blunt steps on the nail.
  • The kids play with an oil lamp. Really, when there are a million candles and light bulbs, you still place the rusty oil lamp next to the board game? Wouldn’t you guess, one of the kids knocks it over.
  • We have a waterfall in this movie, a short walk away from the house. John Krasinski demonstrates to his son that near a waterfall, the beasts can’t hear you. So, why not live there, or at least wash the clothes there instead of the house. Or create a waterfall like sound thingy at the farm. Like a distraction of some sorts. Something John, do something!
  • Why the hell did the dad (again you John) throw away the axe before sacrificing himself to save the kids? Yes, the sacrifice was warranted, but why not try to swing the f*cking axe at the creature while sacrificing once self. Only to make yourself look more righteous John?
  • The creatures can’t handle high pitched soundwaves from hearing aids. That’s their Achilles heel? Really? The US army could not figure this thing out and crush the creatures in an instant? Has nobody in this world seen Mars Attacks?
  • Emily Blunt took a shotgun and blew the creature’s head off at the end. Really? Then why the whole post-apocalyptic world? The US army couldn’t blow these monsters to bits? Any decent Mexican drug cartel could end these creature’s lives and hang them on bridges all-over Tijuana.
  • Finally, all this time trying to contact the outside world, why not dig a big-ass hole under the house to live there in silence. Apparently, a mattress to cover your floor hole while hiding in the basement was enough for the beasts not to hear or find you anymore.

All these endless dumb screw-ups lead to tense scenes, but they could’ve been avoided so easily, and it baffles one that critics just ignore these things for the sake of just needing to praise a movie. A bit Black Panter-ish, but we have no idea what’s so SJW about this movie.

Oh and finally. The only way for this movie to redeem itself would be, if the Blu-ray version came out with an end scene edited where the girl, instead of playing the screechy sound through the speakers (again, which instantly numbs the beasts) she plays Thunderstruck by ACDC, and then they all start blasting their heads off with their shotguns.